Who We May Not Be
by Thegirlontheedge
Summary: Caroline Mathers has fallen ill under the brain cancer that chooses to be her instead of letting her be herself. She dreams of a love that will sweep her breath away, not that it is so hard to do, her brain is eating away at her heart and soul, and of course her brain. One day, as you all know, she will meets the drop dead handsome and INCREDDIBLY sexy Augusts Waters. l love...


It started off as all wonderfully sad stories do; in the playground of a hospital. I was sitting in my wheelchair because the cancer that ha eaten away at parts of my brain no longer enabled me to be able to do 'strenuous exercise' and left me with parts of myself that could not feel and parts that felt too much. I was starring at a swing set, all parts of my brain that had not been over turned to the cancer were remembering the old me, the precancerous Caroline Mathers, while the new me was dreading the latest cancer fighting medicines. I couldn't help remembering the darkness of my skin because of my Italian or something heritage, and look down at my now olive skin that was sickly pale.

What brought me here, as in the playground, was the fact that it looked so lonely. Like most hospital playgrounds do. So I decided t come down and bring some life into this, but my life was a dying life, but yet still some life is sometimes better than no life. Yet this dying life of ine only made the playground more lonely. The precancerous me would still be swinging on the swings, and trying to do the monkey bars which were too small for me but ever teenager that wants to feel like a little kid always does the monkey bars, which inevitably led to me trying to stand up.

One of the nurses came rushing up to me, noticing my struggle but had finally came to the ability to stand up, which as an accomplishment to me, but a very tiring act to my body.

"YOU DID IT!" The nurse smiled, congratulating me on my standing upness, but I was slowly wanting to sit back down due the tiredness that it gave me and I ended up telling the nurse to take me back to my room, so I could sleep. I thanked the nurse for her enthusiasm, lord knows that I couldn't have that anymore, everything was so tiring.

The nurse asked me if I would like to go to the playground the next day to which I replied yes, not because the playground was oh so lonely but because I was oh so lonely and I really wanted to do those damn monkey bars, if could get myself to stand could be able to do those monkey bars.

People have face book pages for everything, for non profit organizations, profitable organizations, Dogs, Tv shows, Books, People, Animals, Papers, and of course, girls dying of brain cancer. I logged on to the facebook for sad girl dying of brain cancer (me) and wrote what my parents and I ad agreed to, which was that I would write a blog post/ update about how I feel, and everyday I would want to write just one word which would be "crap" but my parents insisted otherwise and as much as I told them I didn't want to give everybody hope they disagreed. It is sad that they do not know that the fall from hope is much worse than the fall from well anything else, because everything you wanted spitted in your face laughing at you for even trying, and that is where this left me, hopeless and nostalgic.

_Dear friends, family, and complete strangers that are hopelessly in love with my cancer fighting story,_

_Day whatever number this is of fighting, today I feel (I don't know what to put here besides tired and crappy) happy (backspace backspace backspace) content with my cancer self. Sure I may not be happy and sure I may not be sad either, but I feel content at being a person. Yes being a person is so utterly tiring but I am fighting. I will keep fighting. Yes I still think about the fact that I will never be able to have a normal teenage experience, I will never fall in love, I will never sneak out of the house and get drunk and a raging high school party, I will never have kids, I will never grow old with the knowledge that I was a very rebellious teenager. I will grow old with the fact that my teenage age years were spent in a hospital, living of a variety of exotically named chemicals and bowing down everyday to the tiredness that comes with said things. I can however dream of such things, and so I will dream about them, and I will live in those dreams. I must succumb to the tiredness and go to sleep. Until tomorrow._

_Goodnight and Goodbye,_

_Caroline Mathers._

As usual this filled up with the "I'm praying for you" and "stay strong" and the worst "Can't wait for you to get better so we can hang out" comments. only about four of those comments comments came from actual people that I actually know, one from my mom that read she would be here tomorrow and was happy that I was content. One from my dad which said the same thing, one from a friend that came to visit and one from a boy that yes said "stay strong" but I had been on his facebook page and he was cute, we never talked but I was allowed to have an interweb crush on him because come on, I still want to have that teenage dramatic and tragic love story. But I was once again too tired to go and talk to him, and or anyone else I fell asleep, there was nothing slow about me and sleep, we were like am airplane crash fast and sudden.


End file.
